Tag Archives: love
I have so much floating around in my head that it’s been difficult to put words to any of it. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to express some of it on here in the next couple of days before I leave for San Francisco for the wedding. I’m taken aback by the emotion and reflection that is happening for me around this upcoming transition and the idea of my community being in one place centered on the idea of love. Even as I write this, I’m welling up with tears. There is just so much inside of me. I think it’s coming straight from my heart and going into the universe so quickly that it’s not pausing in my head long enough for me to form words.
Bunk and I did long distance for a few years. One of the most beautiful things that fostered was love letters. I’m sitting here reading through them as I begin to think about my vows. I found this poem I wrote him:
Lie here love
Let irreverence inside
To twist and dance
Inside the gray
Dismiss arrivals of destinations
As what was true
Enter nature’s whisper
Solid and sound
Bringing chaos to chaos
In present tense.
Bunk is away for the week. I’m relishing my time alone. I realized that I haven’t really had this kind of alone time for ages. This week has sparked some feelings for me about the wedding. I’m settling into the idea that this is a really big transition. I’d read The Conscious Bride when we first got engaged, but it didn’t have a huge impact. The book is about the feelings of loss that come up around getting married. I thought – oh, I won’t feel this stuff, I want to get married. Now, I know that feeling loss and sadness is a normal part of joining my life with someone and it has nothing to do with how much I want to get married or how much I love Bunk.
Before I met Bunk, I spent so much time growing and understanding how I work in the world. After we started dating, I became more of who I am, but still with the foundation of what I’d built. Marriage seems like an even bigger shift. I know that I’ll still be independent, and myself but I will be a part of something larger. I surprised myself last weekend when I tried on my dress for the first time. I hadn’t felt any emotion around the dress when I picked it out and ordered it. I thought it was pretty and simple, but I wasn’t swooning. When I went to the store last weekend, I was overcome with feeling. Today, my close friend pointed out that this is what I’ll be wearing during the liminal moment between being single and being married. It really struck me that this is real. I’m so relieved to know that these complicated feelings are normal. I know that these thoughts and emotions will be swirling around in me for the next couple of months, but now at least I figured out what is going on.
song of the day: hummingbird by kris delmhorst
Meet Jibbs! We got him on Friday and it’s been amazing! Bunk and I went back and forth about getting a dog because we keep going out of town so much. Even though we will have to deal with that part, we decided that this is the perfect time for us to have a dog. There is so much space in our lives for new love. It will be wonderful for us get to know a new soul with so much energy and joy.
He is about 8 months old and is a Jack Russell Terrier mutt. Even in 3 days, he seems to really be taking to his new home. He didn’t bark when we left him for a bit today and he didn’t bark or cry when he slept in the other room. He doesn’t beg for food, he isn’t aggressive in any way. He is the sweetest, kindest thing ever.
I am absolutely in love!
I think it’s time for me to introduce Bunk. He is my love. My home. It’s impossible to convey someone’s essence in words. We have so many words in the English language to describe things, but ultimately, you can’t understand someone through description. I could write – he’s funny, witty, and kind. I could write about his loves – books, learning and observing the world. When I think about each of those things, they are so expansive to me. I can imagine him reading and laughing. To you, on the other hand, they are just words. You assume things or try to figure him out based on your existing impressions of people and the world. I hope that some of his essence will come out here over time. He is worth getting to know.