To lead a life that goes beyond pettiness and prejudice and always wanting to make sure that everything turns out on our own terms, to lead a more passionate, full, and delightful life than that, we must realize we can endure a lot of pain and pleasure for the sake of finding out who we are and what this world is.
- Pema Chodron
I’m sick of my “to do” list. It isn’t even that long, but when I even look at it, I feel frustrated and stressed out. I’ve decided that I’m going to have a “can’t wait to do” list. This list makes me really really happy. Do you have a can’t wait to do list?
can’t wait to do
2. vulnerable pulp
3. NYC adventures
4. neighborhood exploration
5. spend time with Bunk
6. watch new seasons of my favorite shows
8. crafty projects
9. try new delicious recipes
10. read inspiring blogs like these
song of the day: your ex-lover is dead by stars (don’t be fooled by the name. it’s an awesome song.)
I’ve been back in Brooklyn for almost two weeks. After getting in late the night before, I got up last Thursday and jumped right into work. I was sick and swamped. It wasn’t until the weekend that I even took a breath. When I come back home after leaving NY for even a few days, I’m overcome with the city. More than other cities, you look up and feel that the world has both remained the same because it’s familiar and changed dramatically simply because of the energy that exists here. Even though this huge big thing called a wedding happened, when I came back, I entered a different space. So, it’s been pretty difficult for me to integrate what just happened with the life I’m living here. What does that look like, you ask? It looks like lots of thoughts about a million other things with waves of wedding memories that bring a smile to my face or tears to my eyes when I’m on the subway or walking around.
People often say that weddings are incredible because all of your family and friends are in one place. This was certainly the case for me (us). However, it was a solid reminder that I have incredible friendships and that living away from so many people I love is continues to be painful for me.
Of course, I knew that the wedding would just be a moment in time. It would go as fast and short as a normal day. However, even though this is obvious, I’m still trying to figure out how something so profound could only be in a moment and how to hold that moment.
As I’ve mentioned before, I tend to think of things more in black and white (even though I don’t necessarily want to). There’s something that’s been bothering me. I kept thinking that I was supposed to feel some big switch now that I’m married – that something has fundamentally changed about me or us. I probably got this idea from movies or the media. I have no doubt that fundamental change is happening. But, it isn’t going to happen in a finite moment. It happens in every moment.
It’s hard to know where to begin and a little bit scary to try to put the wedding into words. My expectations beforehand were that it was going to be an amazing day filled with imperfections. And it was. Basically, it was the most magical day filled with love and joy. It was a million elements put together. It was each person who was there. It was the hugs. It was the music. It was all of the hard work we put in. It was the paper flowers. It was our families. It was the sacredness of the ceremony. It was the sneakers. It was the zoo. It was the popcorn. It was the dancing. It was the connections.
Most of all though – the reason I think it was so incredible was that I surrendered. I woke up the morning of the wedding and was filled with peace. This may sound funny, but I really was. I had this sense of calm that my mom said that she had never seen before. I wholeheartedly embraced it all.
As I started walking down the aisle with my parents, I burst into laughter. I literally laughed all the way down the aisle. I just fell into the day. I lived in emotion. When we got off of the carousel, one of my friends asked me how I was feeling. I remember telling her that this is it. In the most real way, this is IT.
song of the day: fake empire by the national
There’s so much to write about the wedding. But today, I’m thinking so much of the anniversary of September 11th. I was living in San Francisco at the time. Now having lived in NYC, I feel a strong connection to New Yorkers. This afternoon, I heard what sounded like a marching band down the street. I ran downstairs and up the block only to see a September 11th memorial march. Everyone was dressed all in black and looked straight ahead. I caught the eye of one man. I smiled and he nodded. That’s kind of the feeling today. It’s a palpable connection between people.